Saturday, August 11, 2012

"My Secret"

I wrote this poem ca. 1985, as I was coming out.

"My Secret"

You think you know my secret?
How much to you think you know?
How much do you really know?

Do you know of my pain?

I can't be one of those...
I'm not like that.

A yearning to be with him...
I can't...
He's cute...
But I can't...
I want to...
I can't...
I need to...
It's wrong...
I...
But he's cute.

Do you know of my rejection?

You can't play here.
You're a faggot.

Girls, don't fall for him,
he's queer.

See the new guy over there,
he's a fag.

Get away from me, faggot.

Do you know of my ultimate rejection? 

No son of mine is...

My brother's a what?!

Get out of this house and
don't come home for Christmas.

Do you know of my loneliness? 

Can I see you again?
Oh, I see.

What do you mean it's over?
We had two months and now it's over. Why?
Just because...

Does anyone want to dance with me?
Please...

I go home...
alone...
again...

Would someone just hold me?
Please...

Do you know of  my agony?

No homosexual will ever enter the Kingdom of Heaven!
But...
Charman Falwell
But...
Sinner!
But...
Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!
But...
Kill a queer for Christ!
But...
Stone him!
But God loves everyone. 
Not sinful, blasphemous, loathsome homosexuals He doesn't.
Oh.

Do you know that part of my secret?
I didn't think you did.

Do you know this part?

Do you know the joy of discovering yourself?

Pieces of a puzzle scattered over a vast tabletop,
some hidden from view,
some of the floor,
some missing and maybe lost.
A picture finally complete,
No gaps, no holes, 
The corner pieces in place,
and the edges, too.

You
Yourself
Finally together
After all these years

Do you know the feeling of pride
as you unashamedly march
in The Parade 
carrying a placard
"God Loves Me GAY!"
with your head held high?
 
Do you know the love
of sisters and brothers
strangers
cheering you on
applauding you
as you stand in front of the Fundies
who shout obscenities
at you
because you celebrate
RECONCILIATION?
Do you know that love?

Do you know of my success?

Mom, Dad, what's the matter?
Is someone sick?
Has someone died?

You want me to come home for Christmas?
May I bring...?

I can?!
We'll be there.

Mom, Dad, I love you.

Thanks, I know you do.

So, you think you know my secret?

I don't think you do at all. 
 
 

1 comment:

  1. Hey, a one blog. Good for you. Keep writin' and readin'

    ReplyDelete