"My Secret"

I wrote this poem ca. 1985, as I was coming out.

"My Secret"

You think you know my secret?

How much to you think you know?

How much do you really know?

Do you know of my pain?

I can't be one of those...

I'm not like that.

A yearning to be with him...

I can't...

He's cute...

But I can't...

I want to...

I can't...

I need to...

It's wrong...

I...

But he's cute.

Do you know of my rejection?

You can't play here.

You're a faggot.

Girls, don't fall for him,

he's queer.

See the new guy over there,

he's a fag.

Get away from me, faggot.

Do you know of my ultimate rejection? 

No son of mine is...

My brother's a what?!

Get out of this house and

don't come home for Christmas.

Do you know of my loneliness? 

Can I see you again?

Oh, I see.

What do you mean it's over?

We had two months and now it's over. Why?

Just because...

Does anyone want to dance with me?

Please...

I go home...

alone...

again...

Would someone just hold me?

Please...

Do you know of  my agony?

No homosexual will ever enter the Kingdom of Heaven!

But...

Charman Falwell

But...

Sinner!

But...

Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!

But...

Kill a queer for Christ!

But...

Stone him!

But God loves everyone. 

Not sinful, blasphemous, loathsome homosexuals He doesn't.

Oh.

Do you know that part of my secret?

I didn't think you did.

Do you know this part?

Do you know the joy of discovering yourself?

Pieces of a puzzle scattered over a vast tabletop,

some hidden from view,

some of the floor,

some missing and maybe lost.

A picture finally complete,

No gaps, no holes, 

The corner pieces in place,

and the edges, too.

You

Yourself

Finally together

After all these years

Do you know the feeling of pride

as you unashamedly march

in The Parade 

carrying a placard

"God Loves Me GAY!"

with your head held high?

 

Do you know the love

of sisters and brothers

strangers

cheering you on

applauding you

as you stand in front of the Fundies

who shout obscenities

at you

because you celebrate

RECONCILIATION?

Do you know that love?

Do you know of my success?

Mom, Dad, what's the matter?

Is someone sick?

Has someone died?

You want me to come home for Christmas?

May I bring...?

I can?!

We'll be there.

Mom, Dad, I love you.

Thanks, I know you do.

So, you think you know my secret?

I don't think you do at all.